


pretty

by Stillreadingfanfictbh



Series: Larry One Shots [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Feminine Harry, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, One Shot, Roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:20:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27639464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stillreadingfanfictbh/pseuds/Stillreadingfanfictbh
Summary: harry is insecure after an altercation with nick; his roommate louis is there to comfort him
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Nick Grimshaw/Harry Styles
Series: Larry One Shots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2162739
Kudos: 72





	pretty

harry likes to feel pretty, but that doesn't mean he's a girl. he shouldn't have to validate himself or anyone else. he doesn't know why he's repeating it in little whispers to himself as he cries walking through the front door of his apartment. he feels like a child.

ever since harry let his big sister paint his nails a pretty coral pink color when he was seven, he knew that he was a little bit different. he loved the nail polish, he loved to grow his hair out and let his sister put it in pretty braids, he loved to have pink shirts and pink sheets. he fell in love with smelling pretty and feeling pretty and even went as far as secretly buying panties when he was fifteen. that doesn't mean he's a girl. it doesn't mean he wants to be.

as harry grew up he accepted himself a bit more. in his middle and high school days harry tried his best to hide his feminine side; but, as the schoolboys said, he always came off a little gay. at some point, he just asked himself, why hide it?

so he made his way into college, moving from his small town to the big city, and harry didn't hide it. however, even within the more accepting communities, he was still different. he was too feminine to be just gay. people kept asking him if he was nonbinary if he was a closeted trans, some even went as far as calling him by they/them or she/her pronouns, but harry didn't want that. he is a boy, he shouldn't have to listen to people ask "are you sure?" when he says so.

he just gets so frustrated, he hates that he has to confirm with people his own fucking gender. he hates that he confuses people. he hates that he even cares about what other people think. he hates himself. he wishes he didn't like feeling pretty so much. he wishing he was just a normal manly, bro, guy.

he isn't even thinking when he goes around his small apartment tearing apart and throwing down anything that could be identified as feminine. his room is a mess of glass from pictures, liquid from his perfume and lotion, even his sheets were taken off the bed and thrown onto a mess on the ground. harry feels like screaming and crying.

he makes his way into the living room, tearing down the pretty sparkly curtains, tossing the nice throw blanket that gemma got him as far as he can throw it, he tries to tear apart the pretty fluffy pillow but he can't so he screams and throws that too. he doesn't want to be pretty anymore. he isn't even sure he wants to be fucking alive.

harry sits on the couch, slips his hands through his hair and even gets angry at that. tears are steadily streaming down his face. why is long hair even considered to be feminine? why is it only okay for hipsters in man buns to have long hair, but when he does he's a girl?

harry gets off the couch and walks to the kitchen, he feels all tight and clenched as he reaches his hand into the drawer and pulls out a pair of scissors. only after he cuts most of his hair does he really start freaking out.

he doesn't want this, he loves his hair, he loves to feel pretty, why is he letting other people bring him down like this?

it's then when his roommate walks into the apartment, he must see the mess in the living room and freak out because he's frantically saying, "harry? harry? where are you?"

harry has made his way onto the ground in his kitchen, he's surrounded by his own hair and the scissors are still in his hands and he's sobbing. his sobbing only gets louder when he hears louis frantically searching for him. the apartment is small, so it doesn't take louis long to find him in this position.

"harry?" louis says softly, harry has his hands over his eyes unwilling to look up at louis.

harry wonders if louis ever considered harry to be a girl. when he was first looking for roommates he was worried that no one would want to live with him because he was too feminine, but louis didn't seem to care. maybe that's changed though, maybe louis is sick of it.

"harry what happened? what's wrong?" louis drops down on the floor beside harry and pulls the scissors out of harry's hands. he's running his fingers through harry's hair comfortingly when he says, "what did you do to your beautiful hair, babe?"

it only makes harry cry more. he pushes his head into louis shoulder. louis hand in his hair is comforting, but not comforting enough.

"i hate myself," harry says once he calms down a bit, his voice is raw from his screaming and crying, "i hate what people think about me and say about me."

harry finally gets the courage to pull himself away from louis a little bit to look in his eyes. louis eyebrows are scrunched together in concern when he says, "what are people saying about you?"

"everyone thinks i'm a girl, or that i want to be." harry looks down in his lap, embarrassment filling him, "i hear them when they don't think i'm listening. i see the way people look at me."

"oh harry," louis says, he brings his hands up to harry's cheeks to wipe the tear that's fallen, "you shouldn't care what other people think about you. whatever those people think is wrong, and ignorant."

"i'm a boy." harry hiccups, on the verge of sobbing again, "i'm a boy."

"i know, haz." louis is running his hands through harry's hair again, "you don't have to tell me that, i know you are. even if you weren't i wouldn't care; the important people never do, and if they do care and judge you, they were never really that important, to begin with, hm?"

harry sighs, "i'm sorry."

"it's okay." louis says.

harry has stopped crying at this point. he's too tired to keep fighting with himself. he doesn't want to get off the floor where he'll know he has to clean his apartment up and get his shit together. where he'll have to put his pretty fucking sheets back on his bed before he can even sleep.

"i've made a mess." harry becomes guilty, "you shouldn't have to come home to something like this."

louis keeps running his hands through harry's hair, keeps wiping the occasional tear-off of harry's cheeks, "it's really okay, h, i just want you to be okay. i don't care about any of those other things."

harry nods. they silently sit in the kitchen for a few more minutes before harry picks up a glob of his hair from off the ground a says, "i can't believe i cut my hair."

he wonders is his voice sounds as bitter to louis as it does in his head. it must because louis pulls his closer and says, "hair grows back. you'll look beautiful no matter what."

"even bald?" harry ask, he sounds pathetic even to his own ears. snotty-nosed and tight throated.

"even bald." louis says with a snort, "and if you don't like it, we'll get you a pretty wig."

at some point, louis helps harry off the floor and leads him to his own room because harry got stressed out at the thought of making his own bed.

once harry is comfortable in louis bed, wrapped up in louis sheets he says, "thank you for doing this."

louis, who's standing up beside the bed runs his hands through harry's hair one more time before saying, "it's okay, babe. i have to get some homework done and i'll clean up a bit, yeah? when you wake up it will seem like nothing happened."

harry wants to tell him not to worry about the mess. he'll clean everything up when he gets up, but he doesn't say anything. he's too fucking tired to argue with louis, he just falls asleep.

louis is right, when he wakes up it's like nothing happened. the living room is cleaned up: throw folded over the back of the couch, pillows back on it too, curtains back up, and everything is vacuumed and dusted. the kitchen doesn't have harry's pretty brown hair all over the floor and the scissors are back in the drawer; the dishes are even done which almost never happens.

harry's own bedroom is cleaned up, sheets were washed and dried and put back on his bed. his lotions and perfumes back on his dresser, all organized by color just like before. the glass is all picked up, floor vacuumed in here too. there is a stack of pictures on his desk, from the broken frames louis must have thrown away.

when harry makes his way back to the kitchen he notices a note on the refrigerator door that says, went out for groceries brb and a sloppy heart.

it's then that harry wonders how long he's been sleeping, when he looks out the window he notices that the sun seems to be setting, the sky bright orange, so it must be around seven or seven-thirty. harry fell asleep around three, that would mean harry has been asleep for almost four hours. harry really hopes that louis didn't skip his four fifteen class to clean everything up.

since the house is clean and louis went out for groceries so he can't even make dinner, harry just sits on the couch and pulls out his phone. he doesn't really have any notifications, just a meme from his sister and a call from his mom.

harry quickly gets bored because he's not feeling quite mentally well enough to face the toxic media community. so he turns his phone off and tosses it somewhere on the couch next to him.

with nothing to distract him, harry starts thinking again. he's had freakouts and depressive episodes before, but nothing nearly this bad, and he knows exactly what has triggered this one.

harry has been seeing this guy, nick, for a while. they had been going on dates and getting close and texting all the time, and harry thought he really liked him, so harry asked to nick to be his boyfriend.

nick all but laughed in his face, said that they weren't going on dates, that they were just friends. nick gave harry a half-assed apology for leading him on.

then, just when harry was about to walk away, nick said, "you know, you're cute and all, just not my type. i want to date a real man, you know? wouldn't be surprised if you had a pussy down there if i'm honest."

harry has never had someone so close to him say something like that. usually, people who made comments like that were strangers on the street, but nick said it. nick, who harry thought he liked, who he saw as a potential boyfriend. it was enough to make harry go into a full-blown panic attack, that he had to calm down from before he drove home, and a depressive episode just as he walked through the door.

nick saying that made harry spiral, wondering who else close to him might think like nick. how many of his tinder dates ghosted him because he was too feminine, not because he was simply annoying. how many of his friends from home stopped talking to him because he was feminine, not just because they lost touch.

"i'm homeeee." louis sings, as he walks through the door of the apartment. he has three reusable bags full of groceries and his hands look like they're about to lose circulation.

harry stands up to help louis put away the groceries.

"did you sleep well?" louis asks kindly, as he stands on his tiptoes to put a few cans on the top shelf.

"yeah, um, thanks for cleaning up and everything. it looks nice." harry says, "and thanks for buying groceries. i'll get it next time, yeah?"

louis shrugs, and pats harry's shoulder as he squeezes past harry to open the fridge, "no problem, it's about time i actually contribute a little anyways. i mean you're always cleaning up and cooking and stuff, it's the least i can do."

harry hums, with all the groceries put away harry takes a seat on the small four person table. louis starts a kettle on the stove, "do you want some tea?"

harry nods and watches louis take out two cups, pulling the container of tea out of the cabinet and randomly choosing two flavors.

"so how are you feeling?" louis asks, leaning against the counter facing harry waiting for the kettle to whistle.

"better than before." harry says, he forces out a small smile, "sorry again, for, um, everything."

"it's okay." louis says, he smiles easily, even if his eyes still look concerned, "i'm glad i came home when i did, yeah?"

harry blushes a little but nods. the kettle begins to whistle and louis pours the tea. louis and harry have been living together for almost four months now, and they've been quite close. close enough to know how to harry takes his tea.

louis walks around the counter and sits in front of harry sliding the cup of tea to him.

"do you want to talk about it or anything?" louis asks, picking his cup up and bringing it close to his face, just to feel the heat of the steam.

harry shakes his head no, then sighs. he knows he needs to open up to someone at some point, he just doesn't want to say anything quite yet. louis just got home and harry just wants to think about literally anything else. to change the topic harry asks, "what should we have for dinner?"

louis sighs a little too and says, "you can open up to me, you know?"

harry doesn't say anything, he just blushes more and looks down at his tea.

because louis doesn't want to push harry, louis says, "i got all the ingredients for fajitas. i think you said once that they were nice comfort food."

harry suppresses a smile, happy that louis remembers things like that. "fajitas sounds great."

"cool." louis takes a sip of his tea, which has now officially been seeped, "when we're done with tea we can start dinner."

"you wanna help?" harry asks, a little shocked because when harry and louis eat with each other, harry is usually the one to prepare the food.

louis shrugs, "seems like you need the company."

an hour later they are stuffed full of fajitas and relaxing on the couch. louis has put on greys anatomy, just because it's one of his favorite shows even if he's seen each episode a million times. harry hasn't seen anything past season ten, so louis has been catching him up.

harry cuddles into louis shoulder and once again louis is running his hand through harry's hair.

"does it look bad?" harry asks louis quietly. his hair has been on the back of his mind since he woke up, he can't will himself to look in a mirror.

louis turns to face him, bringing both his hands up to harry's hair. "it needs to be evened out, i guess. just looks a bit messy, but it's not bad."

harry sighs, "i guess i'll go to the salon tomorrow, get it fixed."

"i'll go with you if you want." louis says, finally pulling his hands out of harry's hair. louis turns down the tv a little bit. 

harry shakes his head, "you don't have to. you have classes tomorrow anyway."

"so do you." louis points out, "we can both go after eleven, right? do you have any afternoon classes?"

"i've got a four fifteen."

"well we can go between eleven and four fifteen," louis says, "is that okay?"

harry nods and turns his head towards the tv again, pretending to pay attention. they sit in silence for a little bit before harry asks out of the blue, "you aren't, like, uncomfortable by me, right?"

this makes louis eyebrows squint. he pauses the tv and turns to face harry once again. "why would you make me uncomfortable?"

harry shrugs, blushing again and trying not to tear up, "i don't know, because i'm like, you know, weird and, um, girly."

louis grabs harry's hand and says, "of course i don't think you're weird. you're a little girly, but like, what does girly even mean anyway, you know? in this day and age, the lines are blurred all the time. stuff like that doesn't matter... did someone say something to you today? is that why you're upset?"

harry looks away from louis and nods, "you know that guy i've been seeing, nick?"

harry knows that louis knows who he's talking about because he doesn't like nick at all. they met once, when harry, louis, and a few of their friends went out for some drinks. louis and nick did not get along at all, when harry asked why louis just shrugged and said that nick was an arrogant prick.

harry feels louis hands tighten up a little, "did that asshole say something to you?" louis asks with a little bit of anger in his voice.

harry nods, his throat tightens up and he says, "i thought that we're were going somewhere like i thought he was into me, but apparently not."

"what did he say?" louis pushes, even though he can tell harry is upset. louis just wants to find nick and punch him in the face, look at what he's done to harry.

"i asked him out." harry says with a deep sigh, he brings the hand not being held by louis' to his face to rub at his eyes, "but he said no, said that he only liked real guys. made fun of be a bit, i guess, said he wouldn't be surprised if i had a pussy."

when harry finally looks up at louis face he looks shocked and angry. his lips are slightly parted, his eyebrows are turned downwards. louis pulls harry closer to him and says, "what a dick. he doesn't deserve your time or your worries, okay? he's an ignorant asshole. you are a real guy."

harry pushes his face further into the crook of louis neck. louis smells so good and so comforting.

"you're beautiful, harry, seriously. he was an absolute twat for saying those things." louis says, then his voice gets softer, "you know not everyone thinks those things about you. all your friends adore you, they think you're funny and brilliant, when you introduced me to them i could just tell that they liked being around you."

harry doesn't say anything, he just continues to press himself against louis. when he started opening up to louis he wasn't looking for validation or anything, but now, wrapped up in his arms listening to him talk, harry already feels much better.

"and i like you too, you know?" louis is running his fingers through harry's hair again, he must-have thing for it, "i didn't just move in here because you were my only option. i had other options, i moved in here because i liked you more. you have this thing about you, it's hard for people to not like you."

"doesn't feel like it." harry says, "feel like everyone's always looking and judging."

"the people who do that don't really know you, haz," louis says.

"still hurts," harry mumbles.

"the people who matter love you and accept you for who you are," louis says, "don't change yourself for those few assholes who you don't even know."

"i knew nick."

"no you didn't." louis huffs out, "nick was a player, haz, he liked to mess with people and fuck them about."

harry doesn't say anything, he just keeps quiet.

"when we went out that one night i just knew he wasn't for you." louis says, "he kept flirting and dancing with all these different people when you didn't notice, then he comes back to you and flirted with you. you deserve someone who only had eyes for you."

harry notices that louis sounds a little sad. he wonders his louis is talking about himself if maybe louis is interested in harry, but harry shoots that down quickly. louis is just comforting harry after a rough day, nothing more nothing less.

-

after that louis and harry seem to get closer. louis asks how harry is feeling on a daily, and harry always finds himself cuddled into louis side or in louis lap letting him play with his newly styled hair.

louis haircut was a shock to all of his friends and family. harry told them he just wanted a change, but he thinks they suspect it's more than that. they also noticed nicks absence in their outings, which harry has yet to explain.

"is nick coming?" liam has never been one for subtlety, harry can tell he wants the tea by the way liam was looking at him.

harry hums and shakes his head. harry and zayn are getting high in zayn and liam's apartment just across from harry's. they only became friends when school started; they are also students at the university opting out of on-campus housing.

now that harry thinks about it he thinks the getting high thing was a ploy set to get information out of harry. all of his friends noticed that harry has been pulling away a bit in the last two weeks. harry used to always go out with his friends, seeing them every day, going out to dinner with them or just watching movies, the past two weeks he's been doing that a lot less, and when he does see his friends he doesn't interact nearly as much.

they probably also notice harry's dramatic clothing change. he's mostly only wearing sweatpants or jeans and a plain shirt, whereas before his whole fiasco he wore pretty flowy shirts, lacy shirts, floral shirts, he even wore leggings and boots. harry's fashion has not been up to par lately.

"i'm not seeing nick anymore," harry all but huffs his answer, irritated that liam is even asking. but liam doesn't know anything, so he shouldn't get short with him.

"oh," liam says, he glances at zayn who just responded with a long blink, "i'm sorry. i didn't know. did something happen?"

"he's a dick." harry huffs put, he's finally let himself believe that nick is, in fact, an asshole after many conversations with louis. nick never had the right to say the things he did.

"did something happen?" liam repeats, he's keeps looking at zayn, as if asking him to bud in every once in a while so this doesn't seem like an interrogation. zayn stays silent though, he was never one to pry, and he really doesn't talk much when he's high anyways

harry shrugs, he low key wishes he never let this conversation continue, but he can't really shit it down now he says, "he just wasn't into me as much as i was into him. i wasn't his type."

liam frowns, "oh, whenever we were together he was always flirting with you and stuff. i wouldn't have thought he wasn't into you."

"li," zayn says finally, leaning up off the couch to touch liams shoulder, he must notice how irritated harry is getting, "let's drop it, they're done and that's that, hm?"

liam nods. he leans back into the couch with zayn. zayn sucks out of his bong before passing it to harry, knowing that liam doesn't want any. though he does let loose every once in a while, liam doesn't this kind of stuff often, says he has a thing for being in control.

"how about louis then?" liam asks.

"what about him? is he coming on friday? you know he is." harry answers, he knows he's getting an attitude with liam, but he kinda just wants to sit there in silence and relax.

"no, i mean, i knew he was coming. i meant, like, are you into him?" liam asks, "you've been getting closer recently, yeah? i mean whenever you're together you can hardly keep your hands off of him."

harry frowns, he hands the bong back to zayn and stands up off the couch, "i don't want to talk about this."

harry walks back to his apartment. he knows he being childish, and that he shouldn't just leave them like that. it might make them draw conclusions that harry doesn't want to be drawn.

it's just that harry knows he's into louis. louis is sweet and kind, and beautiful, and he smells good, and he's a good cuddler, and he's considerate and selfless, and smart. obviously, harry could go on for days. harry just doesn't know if louis feels the same or if he is just getting closer to harry because he pity's him.

usually, harry is good at talking to the people he's into, but he's never really been close friends with the person he is trying to pursue, like nick and his few other endeavors, he went into it knowing they would eventually be in a relationship. with louis he went into it expecting to be roommates and hopefully friends. he never expected to fall in love with him (harry knows it's much too early to say such a thing, but he could see it happening in the future maybe when he grows some balls).

louis is in the apartment when harry walk in, which harry wasn't really expecting because louis is usually working part-time at the on-campus bookstore at around this time.

"hey." louis says, his feet are propped up on the antique coffee table harry got at goodwill and a tv remote is in his hand, scrolling through things on hulu.

harry just grunts in response, not really a hello, but something to greet louis with. harry walks over to louis and plops on the couch beside him, pressing into his side.

louis doesn't say anything to harry, he's used to the cuddling. then after a few minutes, louis asks, "you high?"

"yeah." harry says quietly, leaning into louis more, he just smells so good and he is so sturdy.

"you smell it." louis says with a small laugh, running his fingers through his hair that has grown a bit the past few weeks.

"was at zayn and liams." harry mumbles, "they kinda pissed me off."

"yeah? what happened?" louis asks, he's stopped scrolling through the tv and has opted to just turn it off.

"liam keeps asking questions. about nick, like why he hasn't been around i guess." harry says, he pulls away from louis, his mouth moves before he even comprehends what he's saying, "implied that i was into you after i told him i wasn't seeing nick anymore."

louis lets harry pull away from him, he lets the arm that was previously wrapped around harrys shoulder fall to his side and he says, "oh."

"oh?" harry replies with a questioning voice. the past few weeks he's found talking to louis very easy, but now it seems he was too comfortable. it doesn't help that he's a little bit high.

"oh." louis repeats, "um, well are you?"

harry's mind can't really keep up, he feels like the conversation is so slow, "am i what?"

"are you into me?" louis asks, he's blushing and he's looked away from harry. louis has always been one for eye contact, has even forced harry to look at him in the eyes a couple of times during their more serious conversations. harry is kind of hurt that louis isn't even looking at him now. is the thought of harry liking him so hard to bear that he cant even look at him?

harry just sighs, he doesn't want to say yes and hurt their budding friendship, but he doesn't quite have the courage to say no, so he scoots himself further onto the other side of the couch and stays silent.

-

they don't really talk about it. louis could tell that he upset harry, so he just put on some grey's anatomy and didn't push for an answer to his question. thankfully nothing has changed, though. harry and louis still cuddle, still open up to each other about the important things. louis has pushed harry to start dressing how he used to, how he likes to. harry has even gone to the campus mental health center. harry admits that he has some self-confidence issues, though it took him a while to allow himself to see a therapist for it because he knows that there are people with much bigger issues out there that actually warrant a therapist. harry would feel too guilty for taking up a therapists' time when they could be using that time for others. louis has convinced him though, by saying that not enough people take advantage of the free mental health care on campus anyway and that not getting help now may make his self-confidence issues worse in the future, maybe even make him depressed.

the therapist has been helping too. it's nice to talk to someone more objective than louis, even though they do both say similar things. the therapist does give him things to think about outside of therapy, to try to build his confidence back up, like look in the mirror and point out five things he likes about himself. it's actually working, even though he didn't quite expect it to.

so harry is basically back to how he was a few weeks ago. he dresses as he did anyway, but he feels better than before, more confident, he cares less about what people may think about him.

and louis has been a big help, honestly. and somehow, to put it simply, harry has developed a big fat gay crush on louis. harry is very good at acting like nothing has changed but something has changed. louis is so great and they are always around each other, always touching each other and cuddling each other. their friends have caught on too, they've been joking about it. harry wants's to bring it up to louis, but he chickens out every time he tries to do something like asking him out. 

turns out harry doesn't have to worry about it though, because one night, when louis is trying to paint harry's fingernails he asks, "will you go out with me, harry? like on a date, proper and all."

harry is a little shocked that he didn't have to initiate any conversation for this to happen, louis just outright asked. harry blushes, "you like me enough to ask me out on a date?"

louis snorts and nods, "i like you a bunch, i've been trying to ask you out for weeks."

harry laughs a little and says, "me too. i've been pining over you for weeks."

louis nods and says, "i know, it was obvious. i kept saying to myself that i was waiting for the right time to ask you out, i wanted you to get a little bit more mentally healthy first."

harry nods, still blushing; louis is so considerate.

"thank you," harry says, his voice is only a little bit above a whisper but louis is close enough to hear. harry's hands are still resting on louis knee.

louis finishes one last coat of nail polish and tightens the nail polish container closed. he takes harrys hand and blows on the paint for a second before looking into louis eyes and asking, "can i kiss you?"

harry just nods, as if there is any question anyways. he's wanted this for weeks.


End file.
